Got the phone call regarding the house at Rodley Friday afternoon at around half two saying he couldn't decide who to let the house to i offered fifteen pounds a month more and he accepted we are also looking at renting long term which must be a bonus for any landlord knowing he doesn't have to re advertise or have it stood empty too long.
We are not that far from the canal as well so the last three property's that i have lived in have all been near to the Leeds and Liverpool Canal.

I couldn't work overtime this weekend due to the fact that i had a period of sickness during the week , so i was more or less in the flat on my own whilst Ellie was at work , although i did drop her of and pick her up , but talk about going stir crazy i had to get out and go for a walk and i do realise What Ellie gas put up with during the stay in the flat and i know that a flat no matter how nice it is or where its located is no substitute for a House with upstairs rooms a garden and mail landing on the front door mat.

Another concession the landlord made is that Ellie can bring her dog Sam and have him to live with us when we move in on a two month trail period that's if her Husband is still in agreement that he doesn't want ownership anymore.

Sunday went over to Tong garden centre mainly to have a look then we shot over to Ikea Bought two large lathe turned dark wooden candle sticks and a pair of candles , a black board that's a magnetic notice board as well which will go in the kitchen of the new house.

Went to view the house last night went to the Barge pub before we went to view, got to the house for seven had a good look round it has a cellar and a conservatory which i didn't know about every bedroom is a decent size just what we want and need,made an offer will find out tonight at seven if we have it or not if fate is smiling and we get it we can move in next weekend.

Went to my Sisters on the way back home from there we went to Brett's fish restaurant at Headingley i had plaice Ellie had haddock after we had finished there i decided to drive to where i use to live . we then went for a drink near Temple Newsham we then we drove to where she use to live and finally went home.

Today got the new owner log book back for the car. At dinner time i went to the post office and paid the the outstanding poll tax bill i owed £219.64p ouch, never mind the joys of living in England , Ellie has to go back to her house to look after her son this afternoon until nine o clock tonight when her Husband returns from his shift she will then she gets a taxi back to the apartment fingers crossed she wont be stressed out , upset or hurting.We are both planning on working this weekend.

Phoned up about a three bedroom house in Rodley lovely bathroom , large kitchen living room and a terraced garden at £650 a month which is more than we are paying now but it's just what we want ,we have a viewing Thursday night, but there is other people also viewing over two days , and no doubt he will pick the most suited to his needs we will just have to fight our corner and put a good case over as too why he should rent to us. We need this house it will be more of a home we can get a couple of bicycles and ride on the canal bank and pedal for miles at least it will be mostly flat and have barbques outside in the back garden we will also get some out door lanterns and night lights and drink iced cider and eat burnt sausages and burgers fingers crossed for us.


The Laguna has been stood since Sunday night went to work early to give it a run did not think that is was going to start but it did ,took it out for 20 mins to warm the engine and put a bit of charge in to it , when its cold it cuts out don't think i am using the automatic choke correctly or it might need some wd40 to stop it sticking ,but once its warms up it runs great not sure if i need a new battery will speak to the mate i bought it of and ask him his opinion, if we do move from the apartment its going to be heavy on juice i might need to look at getting something more economical to run it will cost me i reckon at least £50 a week in petrol which is way too much .

will trade it in on a newer Corsa or Fiesta will have to see if we get this house first then decide.

Was two years ago yesterday that my Mother died i thought about her most of the day and i think she knows that i have left my wife and kids and why i had to be with Ellie . I honestly believe that i have her blessing and that she is happy for me and hopefully she is guiding me and Ellie to make the right moves and decisions in our life together.

Still waiting for the endowment money to be sorted out getting a bit irritated now if i get the money before i go view the house we are after it puts us in a better position i can pay three four months rent in advance it will make a good levering point if i needed to.

Yippee Ellie is still with me she did not leave to go back home , there can be no going back for either of us we are together any problems that lie in our way we will have to sort out whilst together.No women as given up so much to be with me i wont let her down ever so knows i am playing for keeps my love is all for her and i will do everything i can to keep her happy.



She went to look at two and three bedroom houses we have decided that is the next step on the ladder getting out of the city to somewhere with an upstairs a garden and near some woodland and wildlife trying not to be too far from a canal or waterway.the rent is more or less what we are paying out for the apartment anyway and we be away from the bars and restaurants and no doubt wont be as tempted to go out.


We ate the shepherds pie together did some oven chips whilst watching most haunted after i got home from my shift at around 9-30 , and washed it down with two bottles of pear cider then went to bed a very happy man.

Finished work Friday at four no working the night shift at the Hospital i had the night off.

Went over to Crofton to see Ellie's brother for the very first time meet him and his wife had a coffee we did get lost on the way there AA route planner not that clear , then from there shot over to Flockton to meet some other of Ellie's other friends Sharon and Steve went to their local had a bar meal only had two pints of lager shandy drove back to Leeds got home at around midnight.


On Saturday we both worked 07-00 - 15-00 shift after we finished work we walked into town i meet my Daughter and her friend I paid for them i Chinese meal at N01 buffet and left them after we had been round Currys looking at cd players laptops and flat screen tv's for her bedroom.


Saturday night went for a Indian meal to Akbars's on Greek street we meet up with Sharon and Steve from Flockton they dropped us back at the apartment spent the rest of the night doing nothing Ellie dropped the bombshell she was going back home to the house and her son and husband on Monday , i thought she meant permanently but no she as stuff to sort out and should return in a few days she leaves this afternoon and i feel my heart being split in two she has promised she loves me and wants to be with me and will return to me , and i honestly do believe her,so i have to give her time and room and the trust to do this as her son is only twelve and for a couple of days needs his Mum , and although i don't like her going back to her house i have no choice and i cant stop her, if she feels this is something that she has to do and hopefully by Wednesday, Thursday at the latest she will return so watch this space i will just have to get on with work cleaning the flat top to bottom and sleeping alone for the next few days and nights.

She as cooked me a large shepherds pie made with lamb mince , a quiche to keep me going i can cook and wont starve.

going to the Aire bar for a drink before she leaves sometime this afternoon.

Now a car owner once again went to the post office got twelve months tax went to the petrol station and put £25.00 of petrol in the tank the joys of motoring.For our first Valentines day Ellie bought me a out of this world photo frame with a picture of her self she did at Click photo booth last weekend it was meant for my office desk but i treasure it too much to leave it at work so its staying in the flat she also bought me "for the one person i love " coffee cup and a silver heart shaped padlock with key which represents the key to her heart .

Went to the White Rose shopping centre bought some brown leather trainers from Next and some more boxer shorts.Ellie bought some brown leather cow girl boots and a leather bag to match from River Island and Faith's.



Visited St Marys church to leave some flowers carnations and Lillie's on the grave of Ellie's late Grandmother.

Went to Country Baskets and bought some candles and glass candle holders the largest one burns for 96 hours.

Went to the Aire Bar for a valentine meal had garlic bread with cheese to start then a steak with peas mushrooms and tomatoes , bottle of white wine , chocolate cake with ice cream set price twenty five pounds per couple.
No work tonight finish at four o clock so might wander in to town have a few drinks and tea somewhere in town fish and chips would be nice.

Arranged to go to the Aire bar for a drink at dinner time with Ellie,was going to meet her in the lobby but i had to dispose of a corpse we have a large goldfish bowl with seven fish swimming happily around and around , one decided to see if it was a flying fish and during the night it must have jumped out and it landed in Ellies bag which was left open on the table near to the gold fish bowl and she only noticed it when she was going to leave to come and meet me ,so i had to go home and flush it down the toilet i did three flushes just to make sure it wouldnt pop back up.



We then went to the Aire bar we sat out on the balcony and noticed the police divers still searching the water for the body of the man Gavin Terry whom went missing on the 11th Jan 2008 he was last seen on cctv near the Leeds bridge vacinity but as yet no word where he is .Booked a meal for Valentine night will try and seek out of work 15 minutes early so we can dine at around 9-30.

Had a great tea waiting for me when i got home when i finished work from the hospital shift at nine o clock,home made black bean stir fry with all fresh ingredients made with fresh steak vegatables and noodles on the way home i got two bottles of pear cider and a box of sharwoods prawn crackers , got to admit first time i have had noodles it and was one of the best chinese meals i have ever had full marks to Ellie .

Have bought the 2.0L Renault Laguna for £600 from my work mate although i have not give him the cash he is prepared to wait until i get the endowment money which should be this week fingers crossed it has 80000 miles on the clock and i have already insured it third party fire and theft at a cost of £421.

Since i have been married i have been a named driver on the ex's insurance so i am starting from scratch anyway no point moaning on about the cost of motoring either got to payor its buses for life.Own motor again is a nice thought i have always used the family car but not through the week use to hate waiting for the bus home it was always hit and miss.

I should be mobile by Thursday depending on how fast they send the insurance documents so i can tax the car its mot until July by then i should have traded it in for something newer hopefully.

Had to take the leather jacket back to River Island they had left a security tag inside the pocket every time i would have been shopping i would have set the alarms off so better to get it taken off.
Ellie's knees both out in bruises from the ice skating episode on Friday we have been asked to go to the ice rink on Sunday after work i don't think we should bother if she hurts her knees again she would be suffering all over again she also hurt her back and some how strained her stomach muscles. She as not paid her mobile phone bill so she as been cut of till she settles the amount owing she can receive texts and calls so its not too bad hopefully it will be paid on Thursday so we will hopefully both be mobile again.

My Sisters cat Coco died as its liver and kidneys was shutting slowly down and they finally stopped working altogether it died at home and she was 15 years old and both my sister and her Husband where both gutted.
It use to sleep on the bottom of the z-bed on my feet when i use to sleep in the downstairs back room i was living there during the split with my wife.

Friday night Ellie went over to Bradford with her ice skating and ended up damaging her knees hand and general aches and pains throughout her body.She bought some dark brown hair colouring as she is dyed blonde i thought it odd until she mentioned it was for me so Friday night at eleven o clock i am in the bathroom getting my hair coloured.To be fair i like it its a few shades dark then my natural colour and it does look well.On my way home from work i called in to Morrison's for a few bits and pieces and bought her some flowers for doing my ironing.

Worked Saturday till one thirty Ellie did not go in to work and i called back to the flat and walked back in to town with Ellie she was still suffering but not as bad, the tablets she takes kicked in and did the trick . I did meet up with my Son and he wanted to visit the Royal Armouries again, we have been on numerous occasions it never use to bother me but when i got back home and saw Ellie i realised all we saw and read about and all the displays are just about man killing man and it bothered me i don't think i will go back again or if i do it will be in a very long time.

Sunday went to work until twelve o clock left work and the sun was blazing the sky was blue walked back to the flat called in to Curry's and bought 1 gig xd memory card , showered got changed and walked in to the city with H, went to the Mosaic open market to look at the craft stalls then walked up to River Island when i bumped in to my Daugther who was with two of her mates.

From River island i bought three pairs of jeans and a black leather bomber jacket . bought Ellie some jeans and a shirt and jumper , then went to Next bought some black boxers Ellie bought me a black leather jacket we then went across to Boots i needed to get some lotions and potions to sort out my feet to sort out my nails and hard skin not my best feature.

In the evening went to the City Palace pub for a pint then went to Aagrah Indian restaurant had starter mixed kebab H had onion bahjees then we both had main dish with four chapatis and two deserts plus two drinks all in for £34.00 , left went to the Aire Bar then went home to bed.

Not sure what to do about meeting son this weekend hopefully we are still on to meet this Saturday afternoon , last weekend he cancelled at the last minute after i finished work early.
I think he finds busing it in to Leeds too much he does not like change and him trailing in to Town if he is in the wrong frame of mind is just too much hassle and he just wont bother.

Buying a Renault Laguna 2.0 litre RS five door hatch for £600 from work buddy hopefully some time in the next few days its getting a full service and has a decent mp3/CD player fitted which alone cost the best part Of £300 to buy and fit when it was new and if i keep it 6 months and trade it in when we get a house i wont loose any money on it.


Helen wants me to go ice skating with her i have only ever been once before and it was a total disaster couldn't even stand up never mind move across the ice so it should be fun but might have to put it on ice hehe hate pain don't want a numb bum thank you.


Had pancakes last night with maple syrup i went and bought H Blue Lagoon on DVD she had it on video years ago but it got thrown out at her request i bought for her again got it from HMV for a fiver was not that bad i have never seen it before. Got a few chick flicks now 50 first dates , sliding doors ,10 days to loose a guy , ghost and a few others i cant remember the names of

Last night worked until 9 0 clock but it is starting to drag its too much time and i have everything done by eight o clockish , i dare not reduce my hours my as my main Monday to Friday job is a bit up and down at the moment and the threat of redundancy is at a all time high but this could take at least a year plus to sort out and there is always the redeployment option and if i did have to really on the Hospital job as my only source of income i will need all the hours i can get.

Finished work picked up H went to the pub went to the Palace near Leeds Parish Church then on to the Aire bar till throwing out time only had time for a couple of ciders but it broke the day up cant just work and sleep too much like being married.

Looking and seriously thinking of going with t-mobile for the mobile broadband option at £29.00 a month coverage is suppose to be good where i live if i need to job hunt and send emails i will need a Internet connection that's my reason any way and i am sticking to it.

I leave the apartment at @ 7-15 am i go back at 10-00am to see H, as i only live 2 Min's from where i work

I go back to work for 10-20 am i go back at 12-00 to see H and go back to work at 12-30 pm i finish at 16-00 pm and see H, i pick up my bag and uniform and leave at 4-25 pm for the Hospital until 21-00pm , i then get home for around 21-30 and see H , i text her up to 15 times a day , so why o why do i miss her so much for very second that i am away from her , i don't like it i feel insecure i think my bubble is going to burst and that i will be miserable forever more if she was to leave me to go back home for the sake of her kids for any other reason.

I prey to God she wont i and i don't expect for one second that she will or would ever leave me high and dry and i know she thinks the same about me what if i was to go back to my wife , or when i do meet up with my kids and they beg me to go back home .

I know she loves me as much or equal to how i love her, and i know she like me can not go back too much as happened too many changes which would come back to haunt her if she did or i did too many skeletons in the cupboard

Friday had day off went to the tattooist to get the x- wife's name covered it was her name done in the form of a blue heart i badly needed it gone it was starting to bug and it was a constant reminder my wedding ring i took off when i left the tattoo was something else anyway mission accomplished it is now covered and deleted and forever not to be seen again.


Friday night my sister called and took H and me over to Ikea we have been trying to get over for the last couple of months we bought a big black wall clock a oak veneered bookcase , a wok , 4 pillows and 4 cases to go on the settee, some glass spice jars a bar stool to go in the kitchen area and a fisherman's wicker basket for storage purposes which will hold odd and soda and a cream rug for the side of the bed.we really wanted a metal coat stand for the hall way they had sold out bloody typical the coats remain on the bedroom floor behind the door.


We both worked Saturday until 1-30 pm and 15-00pm Sunday,Went to the Ha-Ha bar for a couple of pints Sunday afternoon got some crusts and fed the ducks at Clarence docks.Was suppose to meet up with my Son he cancelled at the last moment hopefully we have rescheduled for this Saturday.

Had yesterday off went to BHS for a ten item breakfast with H pigged out then went to Firetrap H bought me two T-shirts. Bought Babylon by bus Bob Marley for a fiver from Zavvi (used to be virgin stores ).
went to House of Frazier men's department ended up buying four Paul Smith T-shirts in the sale from £35 to a staggering only £7.50 each

went to the std clinic accompanied by H talked about the Herpes coldsore problem and we got it all sorted out and all the questions answered.
Went to the Town Hall and spent £7.00 on getting a copy of my marriage certificate to forward to the solicitor it took only twenty five minutes to find and print it out i then walked over to the solicitor's office and handed it in and paid £300 to start divorce proceedings.

Went to a local bar and had a bottle of pear cider to celebrate the start of a new era got back to the flat and opened the mail box inside was a letter from the Building Society stating they had no interest in the endowment policy that we are cashing in from the house we sold 18 months ago that should net us £5k each which will help pay a few bills and buy bits and pieces i need such as a holiday once they receive this letter the money should be released to us.

considering signing up for the vodafone mobile broadband at £29.99 a month for a twelve month contract unlimited download and no hiding costs need the Internet and this looks better than the offers 3 are doing atm if the download speeds are as good as they are advertising then i might have to go for it.least i can email surf and buy online the things i require its costing me a fortune not being able to buy online anymore

I am madly in love and i cant help myself everything i see and do read or hear and listen to reflects her and how i see he i just i cant get this woman out of my head i don't want her out of my head i like that i am totally smitten by her she is everything to me.


I watch her when she sleeps i watch her when she walks and moves across a room i watch her all the time she is as gracefully as a swan and elegant has a highly trained ballet dancer.

I like the way she smiles the way she bites her lip i like her smile the fact that she talks in her sleep usually in the morning just before she wakes i don't mind the fact that she sometimes snores she can do no wrong and in my eyes she is perfection.


I want to take loads of photographs of her in every pose in every situation nothing tacky or tasteless but i just crave her pictures in colour black and white and sepia.
I do have some she as sent me to my mobile and i have some of her i have took on my phone but i want quality ones then i would like one transferring to canvas as big as possible to fill a wall or four separate pieces to make one large photo not sure what it would cost but i would gladly pay
a few hundred pounds for the right photograph.

Her Husband showed up at the flat he appeared on the intercom screen whilst i was at work she phoned him on her mobile and to speak to him and he didn't realise she was in the flat she told him that she was in town he must of thought it was getting just a random call she arranged to meet him in town the reason for the visit her phone plays up and she had missed eleven of his calls so he was pissed off.

She meet him at around twelve o clock i didn't her from her till six o clock when i was at work at my second job , H had gone to her mums with some flowers for the birthday she missed last week because she was ill her phone came back to life so she text me to say she was going to get a taxi to meet me at work and stay with me till i finished my shift at nine she arrived at around seven i have never been so happy to see someone.

H is going to o2 to sort her phone out if its the battery then not too bad, if its the phone it needs repairing all the hassle yesterday was because of dodgy technology and a dead mobile if she had speak to him when he called all the stuff what went down could have been avoided .
Every time something major happens its on a Monday i hate Mondays.

Went to the gourmet burger kitchen after work had a Thai burger a lime milkshake and a side order of fries.
and H had a chicken burger side order of sour cream and fries and a tea , neither of us had anything to eat all day.
Got taxi back to flat and went to bed.

Washing machine fixed and working yipee no more messing around with the head bag full of dirty clothes.

Bought a Brevil Sandwhich toaster and a blue neon lcd alarm clock from Argos worked the weekend seven o clock till one thirty.

Ellie a lot better after she had demolished three tins of prunes to make her go to the toilet she has had a viral infection and seeing that she wasn't sick and couldn't go to the toilet she couldn't get it out her system and was poisoning her inside luckily the prunes did the trick in around a hour the old remedies are the best

Hope fully today the washing machine dryer combo is fixed and working without flooding the kitchen.

Have had to take a couple of loads of dirty laundry and done them on a night it is hard work lugging a head bag through town to get your laundry done and getting it all dry but needs must.


Girlfriend is still poorly and is phoning the NHS direct she cant get a Dr's appointment and we are both worried that its not going away she as been ill since Tuesday morning we would put it down to the Norovirus but she as not got diarrhoea or has she been vomiting hopefully what ever it she as she is on the mend and its in the later stages don't want a sick Angel .

My wife got the letter from my solicitor regarding the divorce did speak to her on the phone and she seemed to have accepted what as been put forward i did say to her she could come up with a better solution to let me know ,but i cant see that she can , be nice if she did.

Girlfriend still poorly but is on the mend hopefully i have got to admit she took to her bed most of the day and never moaned i truly felt for her pain.She now needs to eat or try to eat and build her strength up.
Need to go and get a copy of my marriage certificate for the divorce proceedings obtainable at The Town hall for £7:00sometime asp.
Need to pay the poll tax which hopefully will get paid this Friday before the due date of 10/01/2008.
Need to pay some of the credit card minimum payment is £18:00 but will pay a lot more than that off it.
Need the washing machine dyer fixed should be this Friday fingers crossed .
Sent my Son and Daughter £60 each for there birthdays , the solicitor wants five hundred pounds up front to start the divorce .

Got paid from my Hospital job three weekends short which i worked in December my that months wage was estimated and no overtime was put on to it it should have been added to January's wage put for some reason it has not been which is more than annoying.

My girlfriend keeps getting text messages to go back home from her Husband she is poorly and getting stressed out hope she lasts we both knew it was going to be difficult some people are routing for us some think we are totally being stupid and can only see a couple having an affair
if she was to go back to him it would never be the same she does love me but if she was to return i would no way go back to my Wife i don't love her and on that basis alone i know it wouldn't work out.

Went to the solicitors to start divorce proceedings have mentioned that my wife can stay in the house until 2010 when my son is 18 years of age.

That when its sold i want half the profits that's in three years time if i don't loose my job my health or end up dead that will mean another three years wiped off the life off the mortgage so there is less to pay back to the building society and who knows how much house prices will have risen in that time.

Just know that its not going to be plain sailing i know she is going to kick off she wants to keep the house but some minor points wont allow her to , she does not earn enough money she works three hours per day paid employment Monday to Friday which is not enough to buy me out even if i didn't want any cash back she does not earn enough to take the mortgage on so they wont take my name off.

I work 7-30a.m until 16-00pm at my main job Monday to Friday then go to my second job at the Hospital from 17-00pm until 21-00pm Monday to Friday and thirdly i work at the Hospital 07-00am until 15-00 Saturday and Sunday which equates to 72 hours per week.

That's why i think i deserve my share there is things i need in my life security a car the wife kept the C2 and another house rented or mortgage its still to pay for, a holiday is a must not had one for going on four years , i have worked 7 days a week for eight years solid and its pay back time this is for me and i am asking for 50 - 50 split because i have put in 110% effort in over the 18 years of my marriage to get 50% return.

I am not bitter i, am not angry nor i am not unhappy , all i just want to is get on with my life doing the things i want to do, going out and visiting places when i want , to to eat drink what i want when i want to cook it , and bath shower and listen to music when i feel the need to , watch the things i want to on t.v and go to bed and get up when i need to and if i happen or get the urge and want to walk into town at 1-30am in the morning to get a kebab because i cant sleep and it kills a craving then i can.

Basically all i want is to have freedom of choice i imagine its like walking out from prison after serving 18 years and being over the moon to just be able to choose how you live your life even if its without life's luxury's or money not being told what to do not having demands made and orders barked at you , don't do this don't do that be home for this time no you cant go to pub no you cant go out with your mates for drinks after i finished work or even go for a curry on a the odd night in town with work mates.

Withdrawing £10 from the ATM then getting home and being quizzed on what i wanted a tenner for what i bought and wears the receipt and change.

I am now living life in my apartment the way i want to i have to spend carefully and try and save and carry on for the time being working the shifts and hours i do , but its buying the stuff i need me the things i want to carry on with my life two new cameras , DVD player, TV, hi-fi , clothes and shoes some other bits and pieces before i got quizzed when i bought some blank DVDs and Cd's from HMV.

I know i have A girlfriend and its less painful than being on your own i have a regular love life cuddles and kisses and someone to look after and for some one to look after me , to share things with go places with and talk about what has happened during the course of the day laugh and joke with be silly with , but at the end of the day i would be more happier on my own then in a loveless marriage that is going no where

Girlfriend is laid up in bed very sick and poorly at first we thought it was food poisoning but we now think its a bug viral infection she as very bad stomach pain and is feeling tired and sick.

Been trying to get appointment at the STD clinic and finally did get through yesterday i have been trying to phone since the Monday my wife opened her big mouth and said nasty things or implied things about me , phone lines have been off a week they have had some major problem with there phones they was always engaged when you called them but now sorted , anyway thanks to the ex wife's comments about me i am going to go get checked out concerning the herpes( strain 1) infection and no doubt anything else present will show up not that i am expecting anything else.

I have not add loads of sexual partners fullstop but in the last 19 years i have had sex with my wife and my girlfriend and no one else. My girlfriend is attending my appointment with me this is not till next Wednesday.

Got an appointment today with a solicitor to discuss my options and responsibilities concerning the house the kids mortgage etc etc ,what ever he says i have got to act upon as pleasant as it my be hopefully questions will be answered and paths laid out to follow.
I do know this all the money i have put into the house all the hours i have worked all the time i have spent fitting kitchens , laying floors , painting and decorating i do want and deserve percentage of the sale once its sold ideally 50%. This will financially sort me out for years to come get my name of the mortgage and give me options like to rent or buy.

For tea last night roasted some vegetables again in olive oil , parsnips, carrots, potatoes, and onions that we had for Sunday dinner to go over the top of this i did a hot chicken curry yum yum had to eat on my own H couldn't face anything , she requested that i bought her some lemons to make lemon tea seeing that i couldn't find any lemon tea to buy in the local shops and Tesco,s

Sick off all this rain got soaked walking to the night job at the Hospital bloody rainy Mondays but i did get one great and nice surprise my girlfriend and been to visit her Mother and afterwards called into where i work.
As i always work on my own so it was easy for her to call in after work she stayed until my shift ended st nine o clock afterwards she took us to the Slug and Lettuce got there at around 9.15 for a late tea/supper, 1 Cesar salad and a steak sandwhich half a lager and lime and a bottle of Magners later we headed home got a taxi back to the flat.

Bought the new single by Adele "chasing pavements" and three birthday cards and a book of 1st class stamps ,it's my Brother in laws birthday Daughters and Sons birthday all this week.

Got to go get a tattoo on my arm covered up asp its bugging me and its time it went west its the wife's name done in a blue heart so i do need a day off to go sort it out with my tattooist , atm i have no time due to me and no more holidays till April but might be able to get one of next week or the week after using some flexi time .

Got the credit card bill came in more i thought always forget some of the things i purchased but i had quite few expenses moving into the apartment bought a compact hi-fi.dvd player etc etc credit card standing atm at £1633 to pay and credit available £2,266 will pay more than the minimum amount but not sure how much might be able to pay £600 and pay the rest next month not going to use it i only had to because of the current situation letting agents wont take cash got to be debit or credit card so that added to the amount and of course Christmas and stocking up at Morrison's the first time initial visit when you have nothing in and everything as to be bought at one go cost £250 never mind what was spent at other outlets .

i will get it down in the next few months and once i get some cash from the house will pay more off the outstanding amount as well so its not all doom and glume got to watch the pennies for the next couple of pay checks though and not goon any major spending sprees.

Another weekend over worked two shifts with my girlfriend seven till three had haircut Saturday afternoon not impressed bad idea should have gone to where i normally go but it was 4 o clock Saturday afternoon had he had shut up shop ,but what the heck at least it will grow again and all be sorted in a few weeks my hair does grow quickly thank God.

My girlfriend bought her son the Assassins creed for the ps3 did not play so he kicked off cant blame him so we took that back and got a replacement fingers crossed this copy will be OK.

Bought a new oil burner for the flat and a bottle of essential oil called cannabis we smelt it first before we saw what it was called from The Yankee Candle did a bit of window shopping went to the Aire bar Sunday afternoon for dinner but the had stopped serving went to Tesco bought a frozen bag of roasted veg ,of parsnips , roast potatoes , roasted carrots and onions and some lamb and banged it all in the oven hour and half later had one of the nicest Sunday dinners i have ever had and we have still got loads of veg left and stored in the freezer for next time.

Then we both jumped in to the shower, i hooked the DVD player up to the TV in the bedroom and went to bed to watch the Michael Douglas film The Game at eight thirty we was both started nodding off so switched off the film and we slept until morning .

Bt want £124 to activate the phone line in the flat not sure i want to pay that much for the time i am going to be there line rental £11 isp £20 might get a wireless laptop and find out local hot spots for free access get half decent laptop for £399 so its a idea i am serious thinking about

Got to admit i do miss Ellie all of the time i love her to bits she makes the grey skies turn blue , she makes me laugh and smile on the inside as well as on the outside....She is a great cook looks after the apartment and me and there is nothing that i wouldn't do for her.


We will in the next few months look at getting a two bedroom house in Bramley or near to as possible to Bramley Rodlety, Farsley, Calverly depending on whats available at what quality and furnishings come with the property .

We decided a garden is a must for barbies and chilling out in the summer months and maybe if possible with off road parking as we do need to get a motor sorted out eventually.thinking it be nice to have a old stone Victorian terrace house with a cellar if possible cant beat a good sized dry cellar, a decent size kitchen if possible with a modern bathroom and double glazing central heating not asking much are we hehe.



We are both working this weekend not made any plans as of yet my Daughter as just text me wanting some cash for her birthday she is shooting of to Manchester Trafford Centre to buy some clothes this Sunday also its my sons birthday three days later so what i give one i have to give to the other the question is how much is enough i didn't really give them anything at Christmas but they was money saved already for that so they are getting a double whammy so i think £100 is more than fair,which will cost me £200 never mind cant take it with ya.

Made an appointment to see a solicitor next Wednesday got to see where i stand and what route to go down concerning the house atm i pay £600 a month which covers the mortgage i cant forever pay this amount there is another 18 years left to pay it is unrealistic i keep paying it, i need to get my name off so i could get another mortgage if i so wished i reckon we are looking at making £70k plus if we sell worth thinking about might not be for another few years but the writing is on the wall.

In the Apartment there has never been a BT line activated so if i want broadband i have to pay £126 activation installation fee seeing as i am only renting maybe for only another four months looks like i am going have to do with a Internet at the flat i am thinking of buying a laptop with a wireless card and using free wifi spots across the city http://www.thecloud.net/About-us/ or until we get a more permanent house or address

Everything seems to be going OK H brought some more of her stuff over some bikinis,tops and boots and shoes and a wicked pair of black skin tight leather trousers which hugs and fits all the right places.Some books and photographs and other various bits and pieces.

She got dropped of by her parents and they viewed where she is living all this whilst i was at work i don't finish till nine o clock and get home usually for 9-15 the beauty of working and living in town even if its opposite ends but be a great walk in summer time or once the weather starts improving.

The trouble with finishing the time i do its very rarely we get to bed before 1-30 i get up at 6-50 am so its a bloody long day i also work most of the weekends till mid afternoon but that's the price i am willing to pay as being in love with the most fantastic beautiful woman in the world
is worth it.

I try my best to make her happy , to make sure she knows just how much she means to me i wont ever stop showing just how much i care , i am putting 110% effect into making know she knows every time i am with her she as given up everything to be with me i will not let her down cheat on her curse her or put her second best she is no1 i do everything to give us a decent life and what we don't have material wise ie big House's flash cars we will make up with love and having fun with what we do have is plenty of music to listen to films to watch and books to read , there is loads of photos yet to take hopefully and memories to make.

Need to buy a breville Sandwhich toaster , radio alarm clock and a clock for the living room and a black coloured DVD player for the bedroom.

The weekend went great had a good pig out at no1 chinese buffet with my daughter and her Friend that she brought along with her for the journey into Leeds city centre my daughter is 17 years old at the end of the month.

Went to the Aire bar for lager and cider, my lady read my Tarot cards for me and it predicted we would have an argument concern my wife or over my wife but we would over come it and it wouldnt be a problem.

Monday my wife told my lady's husband that i had a std that i infected her and because of me that she is on tablets the rest of her life because of what i passed to her or she contracted from me.

I get cold sores which is a form of herpes i have strain type 1 my wife has herpes strain type 2 (her bad card) if i am in the process of getting a cold sore or i did have one , and i then went and had oral sex with my wife i could trigger an attack in her , which i do admit is not nice and can be very unpleasant she might never have another attack as long as she lives she could every time she is run down and i have the virus but it doesn't form a cold sore this can happen , she as had two or three outbreaks in 18 years of marriage the first time after we must have been together 8 years before it occurred , it does clear up when she gets zorvirax tablets available on prescription but saying this she does not take tablets when she is not infected so for her to say she is permanently on medication the rest of her life is a lie , any one who as cold sores has a herpes strain 1 and could infect her or could trigger an attack in her........... my lover and lady also like me gets cold sores which is strain 1 like me as far as i am aware we cancel each other out because we have the same herpes variant , as i think 50% plus of the population does, so to make out i was dirty and unclean and a deadly carrier of some awful disease really got my goat up.

My lady and i talked it through and luckly it as not had a lasting effect but when she did first get told about it out she was ready for walking out and did i understand why the way it was put to her i couldnt fault her and she did text me to tell me it was all over becuase she had no idea of the big picture but lucky she came home sat down and we discussed it talked it through .

I went online and got information on this subject she had no idea the link between cold sores and herpes but she does now and we are both going to a std clinic to get both off us checked out at the end of the day neither one of us is unclean dirty we just sometimes get a cold sore but better to be safe than sorry and will end up with a clean bill of helath ........................

working to night till nine o clock then have got three days off or at least till my Monday night shift .
Hopefully going to have a chilled out weekend drink shopping and making love to the most beautiful and special woman in the world , she is today off to the her solicitors to restart her divorce proceedings there is for her no going back after today , she as burnt her bridges my lay in ashes already and even though i have not started proceedings myself it is only matter of weeks away that i will start my divorce of course that's if she doesn't start them up against me so far all contact we have had in the last eight weeks have been via email and text she wont see me f2f or speak to me verbally on the phone.

Cant believe how much i love this woman how i adore and worship her , everything we have both given up to be with one another is unbelievable and i never expected her to give up what she as.

We might have to rent property the rest of our life is that any worse then paying a mortgage i am 48 and she is 39 a twenty five year mortgage we might not end up completing due to ages who knows so why worry,and anywhere what is comfortable and where love resides is home we can still have nice possessions and decorate rooms to our needs so it doesn't phase me at the end of the day we will be happy and content.

As i am still paying the mortgage on a house i own with my ex , who knows down the line if its ever sold the cash from the sale will sort us out for years to come if we are careful and don't go mad budget and buy what we need.

Last night going back to the house it didn't stir any memories saw both my children and that was nice without ant tears.

got my shuttle PC speakers the lot got about 30 or so DVDs and few selected books some plywood boxes from Ikea but most of all my mums ashes wish a contained in a small silver cherub tin which is sealed.

A good friend from work took me over and drove me back with everything did it in around hour and half which was not too bad considering the traffic going.

still left loads of other stuff don't think my ex wife will bin any of it , as long as i carry on paying the £600 mortgage every month which i plan on doing for as long as it is financially viable.

Anyway got back home set the computer up everything worked fine all i need now is an ISP to provide a connection to cyberspace.

Still waiting delivery of a new pen drive from svp communications hopefully should hit the mail box by tomorrow the Tesco express opens tomorrow at 8.00am be a godsend tinned curry and bottle water in vast supplies hopefully.

Still working hard my girlfriend who lives with me went over to pick some more off her belongings up she brought over a nice wooden candle holder twigs with lights a stone ornament of a naked women sat down clutching her knees a standard lamp with a black Gothic shade some wind chimes a wooden cat and Buddha craved head statue some DVDs and CD,s some shells a wooden oblong bowel and an ornate metal work fruit bowl so things are looking good.
Like me she is having to leave loads of her possessions and belongings where she used to live and feels the situation is to bad to go back and get the rest of her stuff.

washing machine , dish washer and dryer , fridge freezer, tv's will all need replacing at some stage as nothing last for ever, so we will just buy new when we have the cash to whilst we are renting furnished flats all that stuff comes within the let so its the odd piece of art work and posters soft furnishings.



still need other items like a radio alarm we are still using the mobile phone's , a new TV for the bedroom and some art work a chest of drawers is a must and a shoe rack we are trying to sort out a trip to Ikea its hard not having a car need to buy some throws and rugs and a hat and coat stand for the hall way.



will need to see what i can blag from my house when i go over to night might be odd piece i decide i can take with out causing world war three i have paid for it all but i never went out and actually bought anyhting i was too busy earning the cash but it dosn't mean i want her to have it all.
got to get the concrete gargoyle i bought the day my mother died its in the garden Will take it with me it will have to live inside and will need cleaning up where it will sit i have no idea atm.



Not working this weekend Will look round town for some other bargains bits and pieces meeting up with my Daughter this Saturday so another Chinese is a certainty .



On Sunday we want to go for a walk around the canals and shoot some photos with the new camera will go to the dark arches and along the bank if the weather permits have a full English along the way

My Girlfriend as not been too good she had a sore throat hot and cold sweats and general knackered living with me ain't easy lol o/j.

loads of bugs going round at the moment and seeing we both work at the Hospital its no wonder we don't get more viruses and plagues.

Bought her some Sudafed and a bottle of cough throat medicine hopefully she will get no worse.

she manage to cook tea she is a star and i love her to bits.


Going to First Choice tonight on the way to my night job for a brochure and plan where we want to go for a holiday this year. Two weeks of sun and surf as got to be just what the doctor order have not had a decent holiday for three years. Seriously considering Cuba but not sure if i can last the flight though.

Finished work on Saturday meet my sister at the back street of the hospital she had brought me the Lumix Panasonic FZ18 bought of QVC channel and a Fuji 6.3 million pixel camera which was going for £40 at a local store this i will take out on nights out places i don't fancy taking a large camera out and about.



Went to N01 Chinese buffet and pig out for four of us was on £32 including a round of drinks .



bought two CD's form the sale at HMV James "the best of" and Manic Street preachers both for £7.00.

Picking my computer up from my ex wife's and my old house Wednesday night after work so at least that will make me a lot happier thought she might have had other ideas about me going round be she agreed it was not a problem not sure what else i need to or want to take with me this might be the last chance i get at having anything away got loads of tattoo magazines i collected over the last 15 years might have to leave them at the apartment there is limited room and storage never mind that's life.

Been told that i can become a key holder at work and as i live only two minutes away, and seeing there is no parking that comes with the flat unless you are willing to fork out loads of cash which is like haif the rent again , it dosn,t take much working out way i voluntered my services council employers dont work weekends bank holidays and every one is out of the office and gone home for five on a night magic.

All i need to sort out is a second hand motor stilll waiting the cash from the endowment which hopefully is all sorted out this time round the forms have been returned three times for minor discrepencies but fingers crossed looks like we are ok this time round then might see what i can get at a resonable price no more than 2k.

Desperately need to sort out a Internet connection as i am picking my computer up mid next week. Just ordered online a 2 gig pen drive got photos on my PC at work i need to transfer to put on my own computer checked out Pc World too much money . i have got some dvds i need to rip and write to disc and some Cd's i have backed up need burning to disc.



finished work at nine o clock last night walked through town to the apartment picked up a ciabatta loaf from Simpson's deli along the way . Ellie had cooked a lasagne with jacket potatoes and i got to admit it was the best she also does a really nice tagliatelle with smoked ham starting to prefer Italian food to Chinese and Indian need to find a nice white wine to go with it instead of bottled lager.
Bought a book on the graffiti artist Banksy from HMV first saw his work online and i do like urban street art. Want to buy John Twelve Hawks new novel in paperback seen it in hardback but not in paperback will have to wait i guess.

Working this weekend again might do a full month there is plenty of stuff i need to buy for the flat a coat stand for the hallway a table for the pc a magazine rack CD DVD rack rugs for the side of the bed some fitted sheets pillow cases and duvet covers need some oil burners and incense sticks/cones i would like a large wooden hardwood bowl shoe rack and general storage boxes .
Also need to get a psp for gaming and films don't know if i want to get a ps3 as well or a x-box.
also tempted to get a reasonable priced laptop for round and about using wi-fi hot spots will see how the cash spans out .

the view from the ninth floor of the apartment living room not the best of views but it could be worse

kitchen also contains fridge freezer washer dryer and all other appliances did bring new plates knives and forks and bought a new frying pan.

The bedroom could do with some chest of drawers will try and get them to match if we can find out where the other ones came from .

The main living area also furnished bought a new hi-fi and a DVD player bought a few DVD discs in the sales Scarface, Casino, sliver just to name a few

Bathroom i didn't know towels cost what they do spent over £120 on towels bath rug and other bits and pieces

Another view of the kitchen stable diet pasta and smoked ham done in double cream and white wine with mushrooms and hot fresh baked bread yum yum .

all these photos taken with LG Viewty mobile phone

First day back at my full time job and access to a PC , I have been working at the Hospital on and off during the festive season.Apart from working five till nine have worked the last two weekends and will work this weekend as well.

Have settled well into the new apartment and this will our second week and so far so good no major hiccups the washing machine leaked but it was nothing major it did lift the laminate flooring but should settle back down and tighten up once its dried out.
We went down to the canal and feed the ducks on Christmas day and walked in to town it was like the Will Smith film and totally deserted not that i have been to see the film just the trailers on TV.

Had to buy a new iron and an airier also bough a new Sony CD/dab radio player with blue tooth ability was suppose to come with a free clock which they had run out so got £45 knocked off the price instead.
Need to buy a radio alarm clock i want when whats blue L.E.D instead of using the mobile , also need to buy a clock for the living area another thing we do need is some foliage in the form of a yucca and other greenage.

Sorted out a new debit card and credit card for emergency's only and have a new Panasonic Lumix 18x digital zoom camera which is waiting for me to pick up from my sisters house which is where i was living when she ordered it off QVC for me.

Need few select pieces regarding ornaments seen a very nice two foot sitting Indian god in gold for the hall way might have to go buy it if its still available once i get paid on the 16th of this month.Could also do with a shelving unit or bookcase.

Stayed in a travel lodge last night booked a double room its too bloody warm why are hotel rooms always too hot, booked in at three o clock but still had to go to work at hospital at five o clock.
I went and paid £738 which was a five hundred pound bond and half a months rent i get the keys hopefully eleven thirty this Friday.
After i finished work at nine o clock went back and met Ellie to a local kebab shop she had chicken burger and i a tray of kebab meat and chips with chili sauce how the other half lives.
The bedroom and bathroom are both spot on the room is too brightly light even with the smaller side lights on and we are both now still living out of suitcase,s and head bags but i guess some things never change but hopefully we are nearly there and by Friday we are hopefully sorted.

A view of the apartment block i will be living in for at least the next six months this is where we will be calling home.
There as been a new development will be together now before Friday my Girlfriend was living at her Mothers but for reasons she has to move out by tomorrow so i have had no choice to book a hotel for the both of us in the city centre for Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday we was moving in together Friday anyway but now we will be together three days and three nights early which suits me to a T.
cant always make plans that are set in stone loads of other facts govern are life's like ex husbands and wife's kids and pets nothing is easy but its come to a point where we both need a firm base and a place to call home.. we do love each other and this way we are going to spend our first Christmas together which if some one had told me this in August of this year which is the first time i meet her out side working at the Hospital i would have laughed my head off.

From one dinner time meeting at Asda which as lead to this is point in time and space is totally beyond believe and if you read our story as a script to a drama or play you wouldn't believe it how and it would be re writing as being too far fetched but i suppose that is life ... six years later after attending her wedding night reception it has brought us both to here and now what the future contains then watch this space ..all i know is 2008 is going to be nothing like 2007 for either of us

I have decided to take the apartment at Clarence Dock its cheaper at £525 a month, and the first month is half price so i have took out a six month lease on it.

its a one bedroom apartment with a separate bedroom and bathroom the kitchen is bigger then the Bridgewater place and is part of the living room dining room its on the ninth floor but its lacking a balcony but does have patio doors that open inwards and i move in next Friday at noon.
cant believe it is then Christmas the following Tuesday , i have no Christmas tree and no Turkey ordered need to buy everything from new duvets and sheets to cleaning products and bathroom essentials etc.

cashing in a endowment policy selling it on my share will be five thousand going to pair dozen pair of jeans and a decent overcoat a decent leather jacket that should last me years as wont have loads of extra cash for clothes got to get stuff when i have some money.

also need to get a camera opting for for a samsung nv15 also need a DVD player that will play mp3s and a CD player for the bedroom, other then that once i get my shuttle pc from my ex home i should be sorted not sure if i am going to get a games console will wait and see.

so fingers crossed next weekend will be the start of a new era my girlfriend whom as giving everything up as well to be with me will be moving in with me hopefully for a long lasting loving relationship we have both given up everything so it must work ts took us six years to get us to here and now .

Started working back at the Hospital working 17:00 till 21:00 Monday to Friday. Getting up at 6:00 am each morning still sleeping on the Z-bed and not getting home again till 22:00 which makes for a long day,by the time i have showered and feed my self its sleep and work but it is freedom and i know it will get better when i have my own place but at least my weekends are still free and i am madly in love with my girl.



we are going to view another apartment today at Clarence Dock still got the option of moving into Bridgewater Place but needs might make me take somewhere sooner need a place asp really i think the rent will be cheaper and i have been told the first month is free so might go for it will viewing at two and will see what is on offer.



at the moment i am living out of three Head bags and keep adding to my possession's so far Ii have bought two new pairs of jeans, a overcoat, casual jacket, 6 new easy iron shirts, a pair of trousers, 3 black t - shirts, 3 white t-shirts, and two polo shirts numerous pairs of underpants and socks and one pair of trainers in black and a belt, i am at this rate going to need to buy another head bag or two if i don't get a place of my own soon.



all correspondence to my wife has been via text and e,mail have not spoke to her or seen her in person which is weird i understand she is pissed of with me but she has kept the house i am paying the mortgage each and every month also she kept the car which is only one year old she is keeping all the furniture and everything else the house ,it is exactly the same when i lived there other than my clothes are not there and i am not there.



all i plan in the future on taking from the house is a few books, CD,s DVD,s and my computer but only when i get a place of my own.



i cant help that i don't love her anymore i have not cheated on her in the physical sense in 18 years of marriage the restrictions she placed on me in the end was too much and i thought for the last few years i would be better on my own and a lot happier life is too short to be sad and down so i went for it , happiness over money i wont starve and there is not much i need to be contented.

alot has happened since my last blog,my future babe Helen as left her husband and is living at her parents.i have an apartment to move into in the new year between the 4th and 10th of Jan 2008 AT Bridgewater Leeds £580 a month expensive but not going to slum it its totally fitted out white white appliances plus a leather four seater settee and leather bed mirrored sliding doors wardrobes power shower and laminated floors and a most of all a balcony and for some reason that sold it for me i have got a mental picture of sitting out in summer with a laptop and a bottle of magners and chillin watching the world go by roll on next year and i can start getting things back to normal asp

moved out of the family home again tried to sort my feelings out but it just want happening i dont love my wife i cant stand to be close to her hold her hand her voice irratates me i think she knows how i feel its hard not to notice the changes that have occured .

so i moved back into my Sisters for the time being should have stayed living there the first time round and not gone back home and would have been sorted by now.

i am in the down stairs back room on a z-bed and i am happy.took my clothes i pod books and some dvds but no pc as of yet typing this out at work all i want is to be happy with a certain stunning girl called H

There is a Marks and Spencers just food outlet near where iam living and i keep buying their tinned currys and nan breads which are quite dear there is a new tesco opening up near where i work the sooner the better.

went back to Primark stocked up on black,white t-shirts and socks and underpants again.

lost my camera in the process so took a O2 contract out for a LG viewty it was costing me a small fortune on pay as you go at least £10 every five days, so it made sense the camera is good enough for now but dosnt compensate for a proper Lumix Panasonic that i had and lost.

went to York stayed over Saturday night at a B&B £70 for a double room. Great fun with the market and local pubs and bars and being there with the one i love , this girl dosnt know just what she means and does to me she is my whole life i love her so much i dont want her ever to leave me she is the best thing in my world ........

its great not working weekends anymore but it is causing me heart ache i cant see or bump into a certain person and its hurting bad .we went over to York on Saturday with my wife used the park and ride a great invention every one should have one don't think Leeds have one till its nearer Christmas time.
went down to the river and headed for the nearest Starbucks for a caffeine fix been a while since i have had a white chocolate mocha everwhere i went i and women i saw reminded me of H its amasing how many blonde hair women there is in the world even in York .Wifey ended up buying a black leather jacket form Lakeland should fasten at the back lol it was reduced and a great bargain will last years unless she gets it pinched like the last leather jacket she owned , it could last longer then me lol .I settled for the new Jean Paul Gaulttier aftershave Fleur its my birthday soon so i would like a 8 gig i-pod nano in black and case might be lucky and get some birthday cash i have saved £30 out of my dinner money i take to work every day so should be sorted. now i am not seeing a certain person i need something to cheer me up suicide did cross my mind o/j might end up dying of a broken hear t

In York saw a clown a Johnny Depp look a like from pirates of the Caribbean and a fiddler with a devil puppet as well as the minister wanted better close ups of the gargoyles only to discover when i down loaded them to my PC i had the camera settings to low quality and low pixel setting good old eBay took some photos for my wife's listings and i forgot to alter the settings back to highest so pics want that good mind you that might be how its going atm not fully foucused on what iam doing it is hard nothing seems to be important any more i cant think off anything other than what have i done what i have given up why did i not give it longer i was more happy then i have ever been.

Anyway its an excuse to go back for the Christmas lights might even be with her but cant count on it want to take a certain person but its not likely but stranger things have happened .
After walking round checking out the market place and some food from the foreign food market ended up at Cafe Nero for more caffeine in my opinion no where as good as starbucks but better than Pret a manger should have had a double JD in it might have cheered me up and warmed up a brokern heart thats not beating like it should

Packed working in the weekends which i have been doing for near on eight bloody years no more enough is enough.Finally got my weekends back to read walk my dog and visit places hopefully this Saturday going over to York walk by the river go to the shambles and take some photos and hopefully get a white chocolate mocha at the local based Starbucks.It has been a while since i have been to York and i bet the old place ain't changed that much .i can now catch up on reading chillin ,walking and going to computer fairs and car boot sales not necessarily with the wife though hehe visit places throughout the region going to country pubs and sleep in on a Saturday and Sunday i will hear the church bells each Sunday morning wont have to de-ice the car unless its for pleasure i can go to the canal and watch the changing seasons i do love autumn and venture into town for a Sunday pint with my wife not that will happen that often maybe once or twice till she has enough

i want to start reading the new John Twelve Hawks novel which follows on from the Traveler which is called Dark River is first novel for anyone who as not read it yet buy lend it steal it its that good Dark River atm i think its only available in hardback copy which i wont buy they always seem to read different when they are in hard back rather than paperback and cost more.

Its my birthday next week and toying with the idea of getting a new generation i-pod , i would love the classic but might settle for the 8gig nano in matt black be nice to have 80 gig though got to admit what puts me off when it dies its more expense then forking out for just a nano and i suppose you can be spoilt for choice on the other hand i have enough music to fill a eighty gig h/d.

got to start planning Christmas its going to be here asp for the last ten years on Christmas day we have had curry and Indian food for the reason its easy buy different starters main dishes nans and bahjees and rices and through it all in the oven and its ready in thirty mins had a few beers so everyone is up for spicy food kids been eating sweets and chocolates and mince pies all morning so there not too bothered about a turkey and all the trimmings and you don't waste half off Christmas cooking a bloody dinner no one is that bothered about.

Found out on this Saturday just gone ,that a nephew on my wife,s side who attended our wedding ceremony 18 years ago went and committed suicide aged 34 , mainly over problems in his relationship with various women and various siblings but he thought the situation bad enough to take is own life.

when i look at a situation like that and i think to myself even if i hit rock bottom then things can only get better i certainly wouldn't have the guts bottle or nerves to end it all no doubt things must have been going round his head which only made sense to him and the only way out was death....

Puts my problems in prospective and makes me want to try harder and value the things i have close and dear to me loving my wife might not be possible and how hard do i try to make everything ok when we both really know in our hearts that's its never going to be that good anymore , but the kids and rest of the family and friends will still be there hopefully for us both.

I love my music enjoy reading the books i have read and looking forward the ones i want to read , i like the simple things like eating and drinking the food i like walking in the woods with clear blue sky cloudless sky with Bandit my Jack Russell and my I-pod.

Autumn and winter and Christmas just around the corner its a happy time maybe and festive spirits of course for some of us will see a new 2008 but not for one it ain't going to happen.

No matter what i do or where i end up , on my own or with Helen or even here for the time being its better than being dead, he felt unloved , we all get upset pissed off but got to look at all the good things going on , someone committing suicide does make you stand back and look at your life , and if you are not truly happy with what you have got then what changes you can make to improve my life and happiness and the way you live , maybe on my own doing my own thing wont be too bad some of the time i know it wont be plain sailing and time will tell watch this space. Deep down in my heart of hearts and what my thoughts are and who they concern i know what i truly want all i can do is go for gold and fingers crossed.

Moved out of the family home the other week and went to live at my sister's . I had enough of working seven days a week and other stuff was also getting me down.

Some of the stuff going on was my fault for not having the guts or inkling to speak out and just letting stuff carry on and carry on.
there was money issues , sex issues and other problems like not going out and enjoying life , not spend loads on drink and booze but going out just for a couple two nights a week not staying in and watching the box i have been spending too much time on my pc just because i find t.v mundane most of the time .
i have been reading listening to music cooking tea late anything just so i didn't have to watch tv wife my wife.

i left with a bag packed with essentials my i-pod nano mobile phone some clothes leather jackets etc.
My sister let me have the spare room i have looked at getting a city one bedroom apartment for £495 pcm which might have been my worst night mare at one stage but over the years this as been more and more appealing and has been a fantasy dream off mine for a long time i work near by and have seen all the recent developments over the years from start to finish and people move in and living in them and thought one day that will be me and as both my jobs are five minutes from the city centre no need for car or bus pass plus all them pups takeaways Indians and Chinese buffet and bars will be ideal.

i don't know what will happen concerning a certain beautiful person i know time will tell i do know one thing this is just the beginning not the end.

i went to Primark bought dozen white t-shirts 12 pairs or underpants in black and 2 dozen pairs of black socks , bought 6 easy iron shirts at £4 each took combats and jeans trainers etc with me when i first left home bought a shaving bag .went to Boots bought shower gel toothpaste razors and shaving gel deodorant and toothbrushes etc .

bought some reading material Anthony kiedis biography scar tissue stuff magazine and t3 magazine .And thus started my first day Of the first week away from home.

All I KNOW IS THAT I WANT TO BE WITH ONE PERSON MORE THAN I WANT TO BE WITH ANOTHER............. and i love this other person lots lots more than the one i have just left.
it might all go pear shape it might not last i might one day end up on my own , but that is life i have to take that risk to get to where i want to be.

my son wanted to sell his psp which he has hardly ever used since he got it at Christmas last so i gave him £40 for it .want to put DVD movies on a pain i know takes a while to convert to mpeg4 in some cases over a hour its mainly so when i am back catching and using the bus i can catch up on dvds and films i never would have had the time to watch .it has a 1 gig memory card and i can get three movies on which is ample for what i want.

we got new mattress for the king size bed not that we wore the old one out chance would be a fine thing it got delivered today we have bought the bed second hand its barely a year old but is not coming for another couple of weeks the people we are buying it from have jetted of to the states , so we have had to put it in the conservatory for the time being i am tempted to sleep on it in there on the floor with the patio doors open wide would be a bit like camping without the hassle of outdoor living its the nearest my wife would get to getting under canvas the wifey just shook her head and asked me if i had gone completely mad and she wouldn't join me .

i really just want a shag in the garden hehe i would love to but she wont anymore and i don't ask i have more chance of getting sun burnt at midnight .

I have got this girl in my head i cant get her out of my mind out she is with me constantly and in all my dreams and thoughts words and deeds and she is all my fantasies and dreams are of her these feelings and notions are not new they have been in my head for a long time , if only dreams came true,nothing wrong with wishful thinking