The weekend went great had a good pig out at no1 chinese buffet with my daughter and her Friend that she brought along with her for the journey into Leeds city centre my daughter is 17 years old at the end of the month.

Went to the Aire bar for lager and cider, my lady read my Tarot cards for me and it predicted we would have an argument concern my wife or over my wife but we would over come it and it wouldnt be a problem.

Monday my wife told my lady's husband that i had a std that i infected her and because of me that she is on tablets the rest of her life because of what i passed to her or she contracted from me.

I get cold sores which is a form of herpes i have strain type 1 my wife has herpes strain type 2 (her bad card) if i am in the process of getting a cold sore or i did have one , and i then went and had oral sex with my wife i could trigger an attack in her , which i do admit is not nice and can be very unpleasant she might never have another attack as long as she lives she could every time she is run down and i have the virus but it doesn't form a cold sore this can happen , she as had two or three outbreaks in 18 years of marriage the first time after we must have been together 8 years before it occurred , it does clear up when she gets zorvirax tablets available on prescription but saying this she does not take tablets when she is not infected so for her to say she is permanently on medication the rest of her life is a lie , any one who as cold sores has a herpes strain 1 and could infect her or could trigger an attack in her........... my lover and lady also like me gets cold sores which is strain 1 like me as far as i am aware we cancel each other out because we have the same herpes variant , as i think 50% plus of the population does, so to make out i was dirty and unclean and a deadly carrier of some awful disease really got my goat up.

My lady and i talked it through and luckly it as not had a lasting effect but when she did first get told about it out she was ready for walking out and did i understand why the way it was put to her i couldnt fault her and she did text me to tell me it was all over becuase she had no idea of the big picture but lucky she came home sat down and we discussed it talked it through .

I went online and got information on this subject she had no idea the link between cold sores and herpes but she does now and we are both going to a std clinic to get both off us checked out at the end of the day neither one of us is unclean dirty we just sometimes get a cold sore but better to be safe than sorry and will end up with a clean bill of helath ........................

working to night till nine o clock then have got three days off or at least till my Monday night shift .
Hopefully going to have a chilled out weekend drink shopping and making love to the most beautiful and special woman in the world , she is today off to the her solicitors to restart her divorce proceedings there is for her no going back after today , she as burnt her bridges my lay in ashes already and even though i have not started proceedings myself it is only matter of weeks away that i will start my divorce of course that's if she doesn't start them up against me so far all contact we have had in the last eight weeks have been via email and text she wont see me f2f or speak to me verbally on the phone.

Cant believe how much i love this woman how i adore and worship her , everything we have both given up to be with one another is unbelievable and i never expected her to give up what she as.

We might have to rent property the rest of our life is that any worse then paying a mortgage i am 48 and she is 39 a twenty five year mortgage we might not end up completing due to ages who knows so why worry,and anywhere what is comfortable and where love resides is home we can still have nice possessions and decorate rooms to our needs so it doesn't phase me at the end of the day we will be happy and content.

As i am still paying the mortgage on a house i own with my ex , who knows down the line if its ever sold the cash from the sale will sort us out for years to come if we are careful and don't go mad budget and buy what we need.

Last night going back to the house it didn't stir any memories saw both my children and that was nice without ant tears.

got my shuttle PC speakers the lot got about 30 or so DVDs and few selected books some plywood boxes from Ikea but most of all my mums ashes wish a contained in a small silver cherub tin which is sealed.

A good friend from work took me over and drove me back with everything did it in around hour and half which was not too bad considering the traffic going.

still left loads of other stuff don't think my ex wife will bin any of it , as long as i carry on paying the £600 mortgage every month which i plan on doing for as long as it is financially viable.

Anyway got back home set the computer up everything worked fine all i need now is an ISP to provide a connection to cyberspace.

Still waiting delivery of a new pen drive from svp communications hopefully should hit the mail box by tomorrow the Tesco express opens tomorrow at 8.00am be a godsend tinned curry and bottle water in vast supplies hopefully.

Still working hard my girlfriend who lives with me went over to pick some more off her belongings up she brought over a nice wooden candle holder twigs with lights a stone ornament of a naked women sat down clutching her knees a standard lamp with a black Gothic shade some wind chimes a wooden cat and Buddha craved head statue some DVDs and CD,s some shells a wooden oblong bowel and an ornate metal work fruit bowl so things are looking good.
Like me she is having to leave loads of her possessions and belongings where she used to live and feels the situation is to bad to go back and get the rest of her stuff.

washing machine , dish washer and dryer , fridge freezer, tv's will all need replacing at some stage as nothing last for ever, so we will just buy new when we have the cash to whilst we are renting furnished flats all that stuff comes within the let so its the odd piece of art work and posters soft furnishings.



still need other items like a radio alarm we are still using the mobile phone's , a new TV for the bedroom and some art work a chest of drawers is a must and a shoe rack we are trying to sort out a trip to Ikea its hard not having a car need to buy some throws and rugs and a hat and coat stand for the hall way.



will need to see what i can blag from my house when i go over to night might be odd piece i decide i can take with out causing world war three i have paid for it all but i never went out and actually bought anyhting i was too busy earning the cash but it dosn't mean i want her to have it all.
got to get the concrete gargoyle i bought the day my mother died its in the garden Will take it with me it will have to live inside and will need cleaning up where it will sit i have no idea atm.



Not working this weekend Will look round town for some other bargains bits and pieces meeting up with my Daughter this Saturday so another Chinese is a certainty .



On Sunday we want to go for a walk around the canals and shoot some photos with the new camera will go to the dark arches and along the bank if the weather permits have a full English along the way

My Girlfriend as not been too good she had a sore throat hot and cold sweats and general knackered living with me ain't easy lol o/j.

loads of bugs going round at the moment and seeing we both work at the Hospital its no wonder we don't get more viruses and plagues.

Bought her some Sudafed and a bottle of cough throat medicine hopefully she will get no worse.

she manage to cook tea she is a star and i love her to bits.


Going to First Choice tonight on the way to my night job for a brochure and plan where we want to go for a holiday this year. Two weeks of sun and surf as got to be just what the doctor order have not had a decent holiday for three years. Seriously considering Cuba but not sure if i can last the flight though.

Finished work on Saturday meet my sister at the back street of the hospital she had brought me the Lumix Panasonic FZ18 bought of QVC channel and a Fuji 6.3 million pixel camera which was going for £40 at a local store this i will take out on nights out places i don't fancy taking a large camera out and about.



Went to N01 Chinese buffet and pig out for four of us was on £32 including a round of drinks .



bought two CD's form the sale at HMV James "the best of" and Manic Street preachers both for £7.00.

Picking my computer up from my ex wife's and my old house Wednesday night after work so at least that will make me a lot happier thought she might have had other ideas about me going round be she agreed it was not a problem not sure what else i need to or want to take with me this might be the last chance i get at having anything away got loads of tattoo magazines i collected over the last 15 years might have to leave them at the apartment there is limited room and storage never mind that's life.

Been told that i can become a key holder at work and as i live only two minutes away, and seeing there is no parking that comes with the flat unless you are willing to fork out loads of cash which is like haif the rent again , it dosn,t take much working out way i voluntered my services council employers dont work weekends bank holidays and every one is out of the office and gone home for five on a night magic.

All i need to sort out is a second hand motor stilll waiting the cash from the endowment which hopefully is all sorted out this time round the forms have been returned three times for minor discrepencies but fingers crossed looks like we are ok this time round then might see what i can get at a resonable price no more than 2k.

Desperately need to sort out a Internet connection as i am picking my computer up mid next week. Just ordered online a 2 gig pen drive got photos on my PC at work i need to transfer to put on my own computer checked out Pc World too much money . i have got some dvds i need to rip and write to disc and some Cd's i have backed up need burning to disc.



finished work at nine o clock last night walked through town to the apartment picked up a ciabatta loaf from Simpson's deli along the way . Ellie had cooked a lasagne with jacket potatoes and i got to admit it was the best she also does a really nice tagliatelle with smoked ham starting to prefer Italian food to Chinese and Indian need to find a nice white wine to go with it instead of bottled lager.
Bought a book on the graffiti artist Banksy from HMV first saw his work online and i do like urban street art. Want to buy John Twelve Hawks new novel in paperback seen it in hardback but not in paperback will have to wait i guess.

Working this weekend again might do a full month there is plenty of stuff i need to buy for the flat a coat stand for the hallway a table for the pc a magazine rack CD DVD rack rugs for the side of the bed some fitted sheets pillow cases and duvet covers need some oil burners and incense sticks/cones i would like a large wooden hardwood bowl shoe rack and general storage boxes .
Also need to get a psp for gaming and films don't know if i want to get a ps3 as well or a x-box.
also tempted to get a reasonable priced laptop for round and about using wi-fi hot spots will see how the cash spans out .

the view from the ninth floor of the apartment living room not the best of views but it could be worse

kitchen also contains fridge freezer washer dryer and all other appliances did bring new plates knives and forks and bought a new frying pan.

The bedroom could do with some chest of drawers will try and get them to match if we can find out where the other ones came from .

The main living area also furnished bought a new hi-fi and a DVD player bought a few DVD discs in the sales Scarface, Casino, sliver just to name a few

Bathroom i didn't know towels cost what they do spent over £120 on towels bath rug and other bits and pieces

Another view of the kitchen stable diet pasta and smoked ham done in double cream and white wine with mushrooms and hot fresh baked bread yum yum .

all these photos taken with LG Viewty mobile phone

First day back at my full time job and access to a PC , I have been working at the Hospital on and off during the festive season.Apart from working five till nine have worked the last two weekends and will work this weekend as well.

Have settled well into the new apartment and this will our second week and so far so good no major hiccups the washing machine leaked but it was nothing major it did lift the laminate flooring but should settle back down and tighten up once its dried out.
We went down to the canal and feed the ducks on Christmas day and walked in to town it was like the Will Smith film and totally deserted not that i have been to see the film just the trailers on TV.

Had to buy a new iron and an airier also bough a new Sony CD/dab radio player with blue tooth ability was suppose to come with a free clock which they had run out so got £45 knocked off the price instead.
Need to buy a radio alarm clock i want when whats blue L.E.D instead of using the mobile , also need to buy a clock for the living area another thing we do need is some foliage in the form of a yucca and other greenage.

Sorted out a new debit card and credit card for emergency's only and have a new Panasonic Lumix 18x digital zoom camera which is waiting for me to pick up from my sisters house which is where i was living when she ordered it off QVC for me.

Need few select pieces regarding ornaments seen a very nice two foot sitting Indian god in gold for the hall way might have to go buy it if its still available once i get paid on the 16th of this month.Could also do with a shelving unit or bookcase.

Stayed in a travel lodge last night booked a double room its too bloody warm why are hotel rooms always too hot, booked in at three o clock but still had to go to work at hospital at five o clock.
I went and paid £738 which was a five hundred pound bond and half a months rent i get the keys hopefully eleven thirty this Friday.
After i finished work at nine o clock went back and met Ellie to a local kebab shop she had chicken burger and i a tray of kebab meat and chips with chili sauce how the other half lives.
The bedroom and bathroom are both spot on the room is too brightly light even with the smaller side lights on and we are both now still living out of suitcase,s and head bags but i guess some things never change but hopefully we are nearly there and by Friday we are hopefully sorted.

A view of the apartment block i will be living in for at least the next six months this is where we will be calling home.
There as been a new development will be together now before Friday my Girlfriend was living at her Mothers but for reasons she has to move out by tomorrow so i have had no choice to book a hotel for the both of us in the city centre for Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday we was moving in together Friday anyway but now we will be together three days and three nights early which suits me to a T.
cant always make plans that are set in stone loads of other facts govern are life's like ex husbands and wife's kids and pets nothing is easy but its come to a point where we both need a firm base and a place to call home.. we do love each other and this way we are going to spend our first Christmas together which if some one had told me this in August of this year which is the first time i meet her out side working at the Hospital i would have laughed my head off.

From one dinner time meeting at Asda which as lead to this is point in time and space is totally beyond believe and if you read our story as a script to a drama or play you wouldn't believe it how and it would be re writing as being too far fetched but i suppose that is life ... six years later after attending her wedding night reception it has brought us both to here and now what the future contains then watch this space ..all i know is 2008 is going to be nothing like 2007 for either of us

I have decided to take the apartment at Clarence Dock its cheaper at £525 a month, and the first month is half price so i have took out a six month lease on it.

its a one bedroom apartment with a separate bedroom and bathroom the kitchen is bigger then the Bridgewater place and is part of the living room dining room its on the ninth floor but its lacking a balcony but does have patio doors that open inwards and i move in next Friday at noon.
cant believe it is then Christmas the following Tuesday , i have no Christmas tree and no Turkey ordered need to buy everything from new duvets and sheets to cleaning products and bathroom essentials etc.

cashing in a endowment policy selling it on my share will be five thousand going to pair dozen pair of jeans and a decent overcoat a decent leather jacket that should last me years as wont have loads of extra cash for clothes got to get stuff when i have some money.

also need to get a camera opting for for a samsung nv15 also need a DVD player that will play mp3s and a CD player for the bedroom, other then that once i get my shuttle pc from my ex home i should be sorted not sure if i am going to get a games console will wait and see.

so fingers crossed next weekend will be the start of a new era my girlfriend whom as giving everything up as well to be with me will be moving in with me hopefully for a long lasting loving relationship we have both given up everything so it must work ts took us six years to get us to here and now .

Started working back at the Hospital working 17:00 till 21:00 Monday to Friday. Getting up at 6:00 am each morning still sleeping on the Z-bed and not getting home again till 22:00 which makes for a long day,by the time i have showered and feed my self its sleep and work but it is freedom and i know it will get better when i have my own place but at least my weekends are still free and i am madly in love with my girl.



we are going to view another apartment today at Clarence Dock still got the option of moving into Bridgewater Place but needs might make me take somewhere sooner need a place asp really i think the rent will be cheaper and i have been told the first month is free so might go for it will viewing at two and will see what is on offer.



at the moment i am living out of three Head bags and keep adding to my possession's so far Ii have bought two new pairs of jeans, a overcoat, casual jacket, 6 new easy iron shirts, a pair of trousers, 3 black t - shirts, 3 white t-shirts, and two polo shirts numerous pairs of underpants and socks and one pair of trainers in black and a belt, i am at this rate going to need to buy another head bag or two if i don't get a place of my own soon.



all correspondence to my wife has been via text and e,mail have not spoke to her or seen her in person which is weird i understand she is pissed of with me but she has kept the house i am paying the mortgage each and every month also she kept the car which is only one year old she is keeping all the furniture and everything else the house ,it is exactly the same when i lived there other than my clothes are not there and i am not there.



all i plan in the future on taking from the house is a few books, CD,s DVD,s and my computer but only when i get a place of my own.



i cant help that i don't love her anymore i have not cheated on her in the physical sense in 18 years of marriage the restrictions she placed on me in the end was too much and i thought for the last few years i would be better on my own and a lot happier life is too short to be sad and down so i went for it , happiness over money i wont starve and there is not much i need to be contented.

alot has happened since my last blog,my future babe Helen as left her husband and is living at her parents.i have an apartment to move into in the new year between the 4th and 10th of Jan 2008 AT Bridgewater Leeds £580 a month expensive but not going to slum it its totally fitted out white white appliances plus a leather four seater settee and leather bed mirrored sliding doors wardrobes power shower and laminated floors and a most of all a balcony and for some reason that sold it for me i have got a mental picture of sitting out in summer with a laptop and a bottle of magners and chillin watching the world go by roll on next year and i can start getting things back to normal asp

moved out of the family home again tried to sort my feelings out but it just want happening i dont love my wife i cant stand to be close to her hold her hand her voice irratates me i think she knows how i feel its hard not to notice the changes that have occured .

so i moved back into my Sisters for the time being should have stayed living there the first time round and not gone back home and would have been sorted by now.

i am in the down stairs back room on a z-bed and i am happy.took my clothes i pod books and some dvds but no pc as of yet typing this out at work all i want is to be happy with a certain stunning girl called H

There is a Marks and Spencers just food outlet near where iam living and i keep buying their tinned currys and nan breads which are quite dear there is a new tesco opening up near where i work the sooner the better.

went back to Primark stocked up on black,white t-shirts and socks and underpants again.

lost my camera in the process so took a O2 contract out for a LG viewty it was costing me a small fortune on pay as you go at least £10 every five days, so it made sense the camera is good enough for now but dosnt compensate for a proper Lumix Panasonic that i had and lost.

went to York stayed over Saturday night at a B&B £70 for a double room. Great fun with the market and local pubs and bars and being there with the one i love , this girl dosnt know just what she means and does to me she is my whole life i love her so much i dont want her ever to leave me she is the best thing in my world ........

its great not working weekends anymore but it is causing me heart ache i cant see or bump into a certain person and its hurting bad .we went over to York on Saturday with my wife used the park and ride a great invention every one should have one don't think Leeds have one till its nearer Christmas time.
went down to the river and headed for the nearest Starbucks for a caffeine fix been a while since i have had a white chocolate mocha everwhere i went i and women i saw reminded me of H its amasing how many blonde hair women there is in the world even in York .Wifey ended up buying a black leather jacket form Lakeland should fasten at the back lol it was reduced and a great bargain will last years unless she gets it pinched like the last leather jacket she owned , it could last longer then me lol .I settled for the new Jean Paul Gaulttier aftershave Fleur its my birthday soon so i would like a 8 gig i-pod nano in black and case might be lucky and get some birthday cash i have saved £30 out of my dinner money i take to work every day so should be sorted. now i am not seeing a certain person i need something to cheer me up suicide did cross my mind o/j might end up dying of a broken hear t

In York saw a clown a Johnny Depp look a like from pirates of the Caribbean and a fiddler with a devil puppet as well as the minister wanted better close ups of the gargoyles only to discover when i down loaded them to my PC i had the camera settings to low quality and low pixel setting good old eBay took some photos for my wife's listings and i forgot to alter the settings back to highest so pics want that good mind you that might be how its going atm not fully foucused on what iam doing it is hard nothing seems to be important any more i cant think off anything other than what have i done what i have given up why did i not give it longer i was more happy then i have ever been.

Anyway its an excuse to go back for the Christmas lights might even be with her but cant count on it want to take a certain person but its not likely but stranger things have happened .
After walking round checking out the market place and some food from the foreign food market ended up at Cafe Nero for more caffeine in my opinion no where as good as starbucks but better than Pret a manger should have had a double JD in it might have cheered me up and warmed up a brokern heart thats not beating like it should

Packed working in the weekends which i have been doing for near on eight bloody years no more enough is enough.Finally got my weekends back to read walk my dog and visit places hopefully this Saturday going over to York walk by the river go to the shambles and take some photos and hopefully get a white chocolate mocha at the local based Starbucks.It has been a while since i have been to York and i bet the old place ain't changed that much .i can now catch up on reading chillin ,walking and going to computer fairs and car boot sales not necessarily with the wife though hehe visit places throughout the region going to country pubs and sleep in on a Saturday and Sunday i will hear the church bells each Sunday morning wont have to de-ice the car unless its for pleasure i can go to the canal and watch the changing seasons i do love autumn and venture into town for a Sunday pint with my wife not that will happen that often maybe once or twice till she has enough

i want to start reading the new John Twelve Hawks novel which follows on from the Traveler which is called Dark River is first novel for anyone who as not read it yet buy lend it steal it its that good Dark River atm i think its only available in hardback copy which i wont buy they always seem to read different when they are in hard back rather than paperback and cost more.

Its my birthday next week and toying with the idea of getting a new generation i-pod , i would love the classic but might settle for the 8gig nano in matt black be nice to have 80 gig though got to admit what puts me off when it dies its more expense then forking out for just a nano and i suppose you can be spoilt for choice on the other hand i have enough music to fill a eighty gig h/d.

got to start planning Christmas its going to be here asp for the last ten years on Christmas day we have had curry and Indian food for the reason its easy buy different starters main dishes nans and bahjees and rices and through it all in the oven and its ready in thirty mins had a few beers so everyone is up for spicy food kids been eating sweets and chocolates and mince pies all morning so there not too bothered about a turkey and all the trimmings and you don't waste half off Christmas cooking a bloody dinner no one is that bothered about.

Found out on this Saturday just gone ,that a nephew on my wife,s side who attended our wedding ceremony 18 years ago went and committed suicide aged 34 , mainly over problems in his relationship with various women and various siblings but he thought the situation bad enough to take is own life.

when i look at a situation like that and i think to myself even if i hit rock bottom then things can only get better i certainly wouldn't have the guts bottle or nerves to end it all no doubt things must have been going round his head which only made sense to him and the only way out was death....

Puts my problems in prospective and makes me want to try harder and value the things i have close and dear to me loving my wife might not be possible and how hard do i try to make everything ok when we both really know in our hearts that's its never going to be that good anymore , but the kids and rest of the family and friends will still be there hopefully for us both.

I love my music enjoy reading the books i have read and looking forward the ones i want to read , i like the simple things like eating and drinking the food i like walking in the woods with clear blue sky cloudless sky with Bandit my Jack Russell and my I-pod.

Autumn and winter and Christmas just around the corner its a happy time maybe and festive spirits of course for some of us will see a new 2008 but not for one it ain't going to happen.

No matter what i do or where i end up , on my own or with Helen or even here for the time being its better than being dead, he felt unloved , we all get upset pissed off but got to look at all the good things going on , someone committing suicide does make you stand back and look at your life , and if you are not truly happy with what you have got then what changes you can make to improve my life and happiness and the way you live , maybe on my own doing my own thing wont be too bad some of the time i know it wont be plain sailing and time will tell watch this space. Deep down in my heart of hearts and what my thoughts are and who they concern i know what i truly want all i can do is go for gold and fingers crossed.

Moved out of the family home the other week and went to live at my sister's . I had enough of working seven days a week and other stuff was also getting me down.

Some of the stuff going on was my fault for not having the guts or inkling to speak out and just letting stuff carry on and carry on.
there was money issues , sex issues and other problems like not going out and enjoying life , not spend loads on drink and booze but going out just for a couple two nights a week not staying in and watching the box i have been spending too much time on my pc just because i find t.v mundane most of the time .
i have been reading listening to music cooking tea late anything just so i didn't have to watch tv wife my wife.

i left with a bag packed with essentials my i-pod nano mobile phone some clothes leather jackets etc.
My sister let me have the spare room i have looked at getting a city one bedroom apartment for £495 pcm which might have been my worst night mare at one stage but over the years this as been more and more appealing and has been a fantasy dream off mine for a long time i work near by and have seen all the recent developments over the years from start to finish and people move in and living in them and thought one day that will be me and as both my jobs are five minutes from the city centre no need for car or bus pass plus all them pups takeaways Indians and Chinese buffet and bars will be ideal.

i don't know what will happen concerning a certain beautiful person i know time will tell i do know one thing this is just the beginning not the end.

i went to Primark bought dozen white t-shirts 12 pairs or underpants in black and 2 dozen pairs of black socks , bought 6 easy iron shirts at £4 each took combats and jeans trainers etc with me when i first left home bought a shaving bag .went to Boots bought shower gel toothpaste razors and shaving gel deodorant and toothbrushes etc .

bought some reading material Anthony kiedis biography scar tissue stuff magazine and t3 magazine .And thus started my first day Of the first week away from home.

All I KNOW IS THAT I WANT TO BE WITH ONE PERSON MORE THAN I WANT TO BE WITH ANOTHER............. and i love this other person lots lots more than the one i have just left.
it might all go pear shape it might not last i might one day end up on my own , but that is life i have to take that risk to get to where i want to be.

my son wanted to sell his psp which he has hardly ever used since he got it at Christmas last so i gave him £40 for it .want to put DVD movies on a pain i know takes a while to convert to mpeg4 in some cases over a hour its mainly so when i am back catching and using the bus i can catch up on dvds and films i never would have had the time to watch .it has a 1 gig memory card and i can get three movies on which is ample for what i want.

we got new mattress for the king size bed not that we wore the old one out chance would be a fine thing it got delivered today we have bought the bed second hand its barely a year old but is not coming for another couple of weeks the people we are buying it from have jetted of to the states , so we have had to put it in the conservatory for the time being i am tempted to sleep on it in there on the floor with the patio doors open wide would be a bit like camping without the hassle of outdoor living its the nearest my wife would get to getting under canvas the wifey just shook her head and asked me if i had gone completely mad and she wouldn't join me .

i really just want a shag in the garden hehe i would love to but she wont anymore and i don't ask i have more chance of getting sun burnt at midnight .

I have got this girl in my head i cant get her out of my mind out she is with me constantly and in all my dreams and thoughts words and deeds and she is all my fantasies and dreams are of her these feelings and notions are not new they have been in my head for a long time , if only dreams came true,nothing wrong with wishful thinking