its great not working weekends anymore but it is causing me heart ache i cant see or bump into a certain person and its hurting bad .we went over to York on Saturday with my wife used the park and ride a great invention every one should have one don't think Leeds have one till its nearer Christmas time.
went down to the river and headed for the nearest Starbucks for a caffeine fix been a while since i have had a white chocolate mocha everwhere i went i and women i saw reminded me of H its amasing how many blonde hair women there is in the world even in York .Wifey ended up buying a black leather jacket form Lakeland should fasten at the back lol it was reduced and a great bargain will last years unless she gets it pinched like the last leather jacket she owned , it could last longer then me lol .I settled for the new Jean Paul Gaulttier aftershave Fleur its my birthday soon so i would like a 8 gig i-pod nano in black and case might be lucky and get some birthday cash i have saved £30 out of my dinner money i take to work every day so should be sorted. now i am not seeing a certain person i need something to cheer me up suicide did cross my mind o/j might end up dying of a broken hear t

In York saw a clown a Johnny Depp look a like from pirates of the Caribbean and a fiddler with a devil puppet as well as the minister wanted better close ups of the gargoyles only to discover when i down loaded them to my PC i had the camera settings to low quality and low pixel setting good old eBay took some photos for my wife's listings and i forgot to alter the settings back to highest so pics want that good mind you that might be how its going atm not fully foucused on what iam doing it is hard nothing seems to be important any more i cant think off anything other than what have i done what i have given up why did i not give it longer i was more happy then i have ever been.

Anyway its an excuse to go back for the Christmas lights might even be with her but cant count on it want to take a certain person but its not likely but stranger things have happened .
After walking round checking out the market place and some food from the foreign food market ended up at Cafe Nero for more caffeine in my opinion no where as good as starbucks but better than Pret a manger should have had a double JD in it might have cheered me up and warmed up a brokern heart thats not beating like it should

Packed working in the weekends which i have been doing for near on eight bloody years no more enough is enough.Finally got my weekends back to read walk my dog and visit places hopefully this Saturday going over to York walk by the river go to the shambles and take some photos and hopefully get a white chocolate mocha at the local based Starbucks.It has been a while since i have been to York and i bet the old place ain't changed that much .i can now catch up on reading chillin ,walking and going to computer fairs and car boot sales not necessarily with the wife though hehe visit places throughout the region going to country pubs and sleep in on a Saturday and Sunday i will hear the church bells each Sunday morning wont have to de-ice the car unless its for pleasure i can go to the canal and watch the changing seasons i do love autumn and venture into town for a Sunday pint with my wife not that will happen that often maybe once or twice till she has enough

i want to start reading the new John Twelve Hawks novel which follows on from the Traveler which is called Dark River is first novel for anyone who as not read it yet buy lend it steal it its that good Dark River atm i think its only available in hardback copy which i wont buy they always seem to read different when they are in hard back rather than paperback and cost more.

Its my birthday next week and toying with the idea of getting a new generation i-pod , i would love the classic but might settle for the 8gig nano in matt black be nice to have 80 gig though got to admit what puts me off when it dies its more expense then forking out for just a nano and i suppose you can be spoilt for choice on the other hand i have enough music to fill a eighty gig h/d.

got to start planning Christmas its going to be here asp for the last ten years on Christmas day we have had curry and Indian food for the reason its easy buy different starters main dishes nans and bahjees and rices and through it all in the oven and its ready in thirty mins had a few beers so everyone is up for spicy food kids been eating sweets and chocolates and mince pies all morning so there not too bothered about a turkey and all the trimmings and you don't waste half off Christmas cooking a bloody dinner no one is that bothered about.

Found out on this Saturday just gone ,that a nephew on my wife,s side who attended our wedding ceremony 18 years ago went and committed suicide aged 34 , mainly over problems in his relationship with various women and various siblings but he thought the situation bad enough to take is own life.

when i look at a situation like that and i think to myself even if i hit rock bottom then things can only get better i certainly wouldn't have the guts bottle or nerves to end it all no doubt things must have been going round his head which only made sense to him and the only way out was death....

Puts my problems in prospective and makes me want to try harder and value the things i have close and dear to me loving my wife might not be possible and how hard do i try to make everything ok when we both really know in our hearts that's its never going to be that good anymore , but the kids and rest of the family and friends will still be there hopefully for us both.

I love my music enjoy reading the books i have read and looking forward the ones i want to read , i like the simple things like eating and drinking the food i like walking in the woods with clear blue sky cloudless sky with Bandit my Jack Russell and my I-pod.

Autumn and winter and Christmas just around the corner its a happy time maybe and festive spirits of course for some of us will see a new 2008 but not for one it ain't going to happen.

No matter what i do or where i end up , on my own or with Helen or even here for the time being its better than being dead, he felt unloved , we all get upset pissed off but got to look at all the good things going on , someone committing suicide does make you stand back and look at your life , and if you are not truly happy with what you have got then what changes you can make to improve my life and happiness and the way you live , maybe on my own doing my own thing wont be too bad some of the time i know it wont be plain sailing and time will tell watch this space. Deep down in my heart of hearts and what my thoughts are and who they concern i know what i truly want all i can do is go for gold and fingers crossed.

Moved out of the family home the other week and went to live at my sister's . I had enough of working seven days a week and other stuff was also getting me down.

Some of the stuff going on was my fault for not having the guts or inkling to speak out and just letting stuff carry on and carry on.
there was money issues , sex issues and other problems like not going out and enjoying life , not spend loads on drink and booze but going out just for a couple two nights a week not staying in and watching the box i have been spending too much time on my pc just because i find t.v mundane most of the time .
i have been reading listening to music cooking tea late anything just so i didn't have to watch tv wife my wife.

i left with a bag packed with essentials my i-pod nano mobile phone some clothes leather jackets etc.
My sister let me have the spare room i have looked at getting a city one bedroom apartment for £495 pcm which might have been my worst night mare at one stage but over the years this as been more and more appealing and has been a fantasy dream off mine for a long time i work near by and have seen all the recent developments over the years from start to finish and people move in and living in them and thought one day that will be me and as both my jobs are five minutes from the city centre no need for car or bus pass plus all them pups takeaways Indians and Chinese buffet and bars will be ideal.

i don't know what will happen concerning a certain beautiful person i know time will tell i do know one thing this is just the beginning not the end.

i went to Primark bought dozen white t-shirts 12 pairs or underpants in black and 2 dozen pairs of black socks , bought 6 easy iron shirts at £4 each took combats and jeans trainers etc with me when i first left home bought a shaving bag .went to Boots bought shower gel toothpaste razors and shaving gel deodorant and toothbrushes etc .

bought some reading material Anthony kiedis biography scar tissue stuff magazine and t3 magazine .And thus started my first day Of the first week away from home.

All I KNOW IS THAT I WANT TO BE WITH ONE PERSON MORE THAN I WANT TO BE WITH ANOTHER............. and i love this other person lots lots more than the one i have just left.
it might all go pear shape it might not last i might one day end up on my own , but that is life i have to take that risk to get to where i want to be.